“Most of the time, women with children like to keep their married name so it’s consistent with their children,” says Sharon Sooho, a family law attorney in Newton, Mass., and a partner with Divorce.net. “Some women, even without children, prefer to keep their married name because it sounds better, or it’s the name they use professionally.” A few add a new last name and use their previous last name as a middle name.

Starting fresh often means claiming a new identity to go along with the newfound freedom.

A marketing director at Teachers College in New York, Diane Dobry divorced after 29 years of marriage. Diane had started a wine import business and wanted to name it after her maternal grandmother’s maiden name. “I was planning to change my last name to Kristof to match my new company name so I could say, ‘Diane Kristof, president of Kristof Wines,’” Dobry explains. “But someone told me it might not be a good idea because of possible problems relating to trying to collect on my ex-husband’s benefits if I do not remarry. If I change my name, it might be difficult to prove that I did not remarry, since it is not my maiden name.”

The easiest way to make an identity change at the time of divorce is taking back one’s birth name or a previous married name.

“When you divorce, the decree normally gives you permission to resume using your premarital name,” says Brette McWhorter Sember of Clarence, N.Y., a former divorce attorney. “If you want to choose another name, you have to go through a legal name-change process. It generally requires that you file a petition with the court explaining why you want the change. Then you have to publish a notice of the change in a newspaper of record chosen by the court, so creditors and other interested parties are notified. Then the change is finalized.”
Filing fees for making a name change legal can range from $100 to $700.
Women who want to change their name to another family name might find that their children will disagree because now mommy’s name is different, which can give children a sense of detachment.
The days when one could simply change a driver’s license, passport, or Social Security card are gone. Each government, non-government agency has their own rules and requirements. Checklists should include memberships, clubs, insurances, schools, subscriptions, credit card companies, vehicle registrations, and home ownership documents.
Some women have chosen to completely drop their last name, a` la Madonna and Cher. However, in the eyes of the bureaucracy, it could mean that their new last name was NLN, or No Last Name, which could become more trouble than it’s worth.

Whatever the decision, along with the paperwork, a new name becomes only one symbol that you’ve restructured your life. When children are involved, consistency is the most important factor to consider.

Having adequate health insurance is vital, especially if you have children. One mishap that leads to a hospital stay or an infection that requires medical care could put you in financial straits for months to come. We all know how medical costs and prescriptions have skyrocketed in this country.

Employer-provided health care for people under 65 and compared with the number of women over 50 who depend on their husband’s medical insurance leaves a substantial number of women with a possible loss of coverage in the event of a divorce. The costs of ignoring health benefits as a part of divorce can cause financial ruin in the future.

There are options both during and after the divorce to make sure you and your children are adequately covered.

Once the marriage ends, there are at least four options that will enable you to get needed medical coverage for yourself and your children. It doesn’t matter who will have custody.

The Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA), a federally mandated law, was created to protect employees and their families from losing health insurance as a result of death, job loss, divorce, and other life situations.

Should your ex-spouse continue medical coverage with the company he works for and his/her company employs at least twenty people, you may be able to continue coverage for as long as 3 years if you pay for the premium in its entirety for coverage up to 102% of the plan cost. If you re-marry or are able to buy health insurance of your own, the COBRA law will no longer be in effect.

If you are working full time and your employer has an affordable health plan, you should see what it has to offer for vision, dental, prescriptions, office visits, etc. if you think it will meet yours and your children’s needs. However, as with everything else these days, your employer’s policy may not be what you need on your budget with all of the new restrictions.

Discuss with your legal counsel about asking the judge to grant you and your children medical coverage under your ex-spouse’s plan. It may or may not work, but is certainly worth asking. This would be included in the child support section of your divorce file. Also, ask your counsel if you could be compensated for finding your own health insurance in the form of a monthly fee paid by your ex-spouse in the divorce settlement if you find you will need this financial assistance.

You might be surprised at the options available for the un-insured, on-going medical condition person, as well as the under insured. Again, you will have to pay your own premium for an individual health plan, but it’s a good option if you wish to cut all ties with what no longer works for you.

Many plans are available to choose. One is called “consumer driven healthcare” that isn’t an HMO, but offers plans with ready access to doctors and hospitals. Just be careful with plan prices. Agents tend to hard sell consumers.

Ready or not divorce brings changes - maybe some welcomed, maybe some not. But do not let the financial issues became a reason to stay in a relationship that no longer works because it may be costly to not only the mind, body and spirit of yourself but to everyone else including your children.

The last option – and maybe the best one – is to apply for Medicaid. It’s a federal program that provides health coverage for children and pregnant women from low-income families. You can find out more about it from your local welfare office, or by visiting Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services.

The experience will always be with you to some extent, but the sting will soften into a mere memory in your personal book of life. And if you take the time for thoughtful pondering, meditation, or prayer you will see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Humans are programmed to withstand and overcome horrendous experiences. Just think about the people who have overcome drug addiction, sexual abuse, poverty, and the folks who beat the odds of cancer or other terminal illnesses. Lance Armstrong, for example, became diagnosed with cancer and it never stopped his winning attitude. The Kennedy’s have been plagued with one trial after another, yet they seem to be able to overcome anything. Many people have come from abject poverty to success with their talents.

There have been oodles of books written about being a success in life. The common denominator of folks who win over impossible odds and achieve their dreams is determination in what they set out to do and a strong belief in themselves.

Believing that you can overcome the exquisite pain that divorce can cause is paramount to being able to progress with your life, especially during a divorce when friends and family will likely tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing. Of course, they mean well. Listen to their ideas politely, but relying on your own wisdom and common sense will increase a sense of belief in yourself with big rewards. Depending on others for the right thing to do is like throwing yourself into a hurricane and hoping for the best.

All of us have the ability to learn to make our own decisions without doubting ourselves and fretting if we are doing the right thing. Sure, we all make mistakes. That’s also okay. After all, we’re only human.

The first step to a healthy sense of self-belief is to rid your mind of all the noise in there. Take a few moments each day to go to a quiet place, be it a room in your house, the park, go for a walk, and ponder or meditate about where you are. Making a list is important so you don’t forget. Think of all the good things you have done so far in your life, your achievements, and the goals you have attained. It feels good to remember the people we have helped, the day of college graduation (a profound achievement!), your healthy children, the garden you planted that provided a great season of vegetables or flowers, the awards won at work, etc. It does not matter how small or tremendous your achievements were. All of them have counted to make you the person you are today. Revel in the feelings these thoughts bring you.

If you feel your life isn’t on target, then make goals and write them down. List where you want to be in a year or five. Resolve that this is the first day of the rest of your life, and sweet dreams will become reality. All you have to do is believe.

Take the time every single day, even for a few minutes, and appreciate what you have accomplished, the positive attributes that you who are, and look forward with hope and determination that the pain and confusion during the time of divorce will fade, and the rest of your days on this earth are yours to dream, believe, and make good things happen.

Title: Never Look Back

The best advice I’ve ever heard was from a most unlikely source. It was given by a father to his son when asked, “Dad, how come you never complain?”

The father was a Holocaust survivor who lost his whole family to the Nazis. When the war ended, he was thrown into a cargo boat and eventually landed in the Bronx unable to speak English, without any money, no education, and a stranger to the land and it’s people. He began sewing and selling shirts in a Harlem factory. A cardboard box was his storefront. He did this until he’d saved up enough money for the first and last months rent for the smallest and stinkiest store in New York City next to a chicken market that wreaked of stale blood on one side that blended with the smells of deep-fried pig intestines on the other.

His answer to his son’s question was, “Martin, the Nazis took five years from my life. I

won’t give them one minute more. Martin, never look back; always move forward.” From then on, when Martin was tempted to look back on all of the miserable things of his past, he remembered what his wise father told him, and said, “Stop. Think. What’s the next positive thing I can do?”

This lesson became my standard for the rest of my life after a divorce from a marriage of 22 years and four children. The anger, the feeling of being victimized, and the hatred consumed me until I felt like a dark hole hanging on the edge of oblivion. I went into therapy hoping it would help me figure it all out. After three years of dumping out every terrible experience I could think of, I was no better off. I had become a “therapy paralytic,” a person who, after years of psychotherapy that did nothing but make me look backwards to things that could never be changed. Sure, it gave me a little insight into who I was, and the picture wasn’t pretty. Therapy sessions remained in my thoughts and grew like lazy muscles given a lot of exercise. In the process, my anger and hatred seemed to grow toward the man who dumped his wife and special needs children because that’s all I talked about. And then I found Marty’s story.

I’m talking about Martin Nemko, one of the nation’s most sought after experts in education and employment. He finishes this story in his own words.

“My father’s approach—constantly substituting forward movements for backward

thoughts—made his painful bad memories an ever smaller part of his consciousness. It’s hard to be thinking back to the Holocaust when your life is filled with thoughts about upcoming work, relationships, hobbies, and fun. I’ve read, listened to, and watched many interviews of highly successful people. The vast majority of them minimize the impact of the bad in their past.

They’re always saying things like, “I guess there probably was some racism but I just didn’t focus on that.” I’ve recently added a phrase to my father’s dictum: “Don’t look sideways.”

I know people who don’t live in the past but are saddled with such thoughts as, “I’ll never be as successful as my brother.” Or “I feel so bad that my fellow classmates are all investment bankers, lawyers and the like, with nice houses and nice cars, and I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.” That sideways thinking is no more productive than looking backward. Don’t compare yourself with anyone or societal norms. Simply ask yourself, “What is the next positive step I can take?”

So, never look back; never look sideways; always move forward. I can offer you no better advice.

]]> http://www.survivedivorce.biz/coping/never-look-back-after/feed/ http://www.survivedivorce.biz/coping/couples-can-survive-divorce-without-devastation/ http://www.survivedivorce.biz/coping/couples-can-survive-divorce-without-devastation/#comments Thu, 05 Jun 2008 22:25:22 +0000 SurviveDivorce http://www.survivedivorce.biz/?p=6 June 4, 2008

Divorce has often been spelled D-E-A-T-H, or F-A-T-A-L, and has been described as feeling like the absolute end of the world.  Upon hearing the news that you are getting a divorce, people get that long face and say, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Although I’ve seen a few spouses smile like pure sunshine and remark, “Oh don’t be! I’m having a party! I’ll let you know,” bouncing away like a school girl/boy skipping down the sidewalk, the vast majority of divorcing people begin the normal grief process that comes with parting of the ways for good.

Marriage is considered one of the most important decisions we can make in life. As a rule, we expect to stay together for many years to come, settling down in a new home, maybe planning for a family, becoming stable in careers, and looking forward to basic happiness ever after.  But what if it doesn’t work out for you that way?

Well, I don’t think there’s any rule in America or in heaven that says people don’t change and circumstances always stays the same. Divorce is a legal way to be able to make a new life for ourselves by kissing the present marriage good-bye and getting on with life.
Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  All of us, who have been there and bought the T-shirt, only to find it didn’t fit, know that with divorce comes a process of emotional upheaval, mental anguish, and having to walk a seemingly endless road filled with sharp rocks and thorns. We stumble, fall, sometimes wallow around in the mud hole for a while, but eventually we get up again.
Divorce doesn’t have to be an ugly mark on your past that threatens to plague you for years. The importance of being objective and realizing that divorce is not an event, but a process that takes months or years to complete, allow yourself to become empowered with the strength that is within you.

Denial, anger, grief, and finally acceptance are normal and necessary. Give yourself permission to be human, and enough time to work through the emotional and mental processes

Fear: Divorce is frightening to children, and they often respond with feelings of anxiety. Children feel more vulnerable after a divorce because their world has become less reliable.

Fear of abandonment: One-third of the children in Wallerstein’s study feared that their mother would abandon them.

Confusion: The children in divorcing families become confused about their relationships with their parents. They see their parents’ relationship fall apart and sometimes conclude that their own relationship with one or both parents could dissolve, as well.

Sadness and yearning: More than half of the children in the Wallerstein study were openly tearful and sad in response to the losses they experienced. Two-thirds expressed yearning, for example: “We need a daddy. We don’t have a daddy.”

Worry: In Wallerstein’s study, many children expressed concern about one or both of their parents’ ability to cope with their lives. They wondered if their parents were emotionally stable and able to make it on their own. Over half of the children expressed deep worries about their mothers. They witnessed their mothers’ mood swings and emotional reactions to the events in the family. Some children worried about suicide and accidents.

Feeling rejected: Many children who experience a parent moving out of the home feel rejected by the parent. The parent is usually preoccupied with problems and pays less attention to the child than in the past. Many children take this personally and feel rejected and unlovable.

Loneliness: Since both parents are preoccupied with their problems during the divorce process, they are less able to fulfill their parenting roles with their children. The children may feel like their parents are slipping away from them. If the father has moved away and the mother has gone off to work, the children often feel profound loneliness.

Divided loyalties: The children may (accurately) perceive that the parents are in a battle with each other. The children feel pulled in both directions and may resolve the dilemma by siding with one parent against another.

Anger: Children in divorcing families experience more aggression and anger. It is often directed toward the parents, expressed in tantrums, irritability, resentment, and verbal attacks. Many children see the divorce as a selfish act and feel very resentful about the resulting destruction of their lives.

More than one-third of the children in Judith Wallerstein’s study showed acute depressive symptoms such as sleeplessness, restlessness, difficulty in concentrating, deep sighing, feelings of emptiness, compulsive overeating, and various somatic complaints.

The symptoms that many children may have during the divorce process either moderate or disappear within 18 months after the breakup. Of the symptoms that remain, the most common are:

1. Manipulative behavior was reported by about 20% of the teachers of the children in Wallerstein’s study.

2. Depression was diagnosed in 25% of the children and adolescents. The symptoms of depression in children include:

• Low self-esteem

• Inability to concentrate

• Sadness

• Mood swings

• Irritability

• Secretiveness

• Isolation

• Self-blame

• Eating disorders

• Behaving perfectly

• Being accident-prone

• Stealing

• Skipping school

• Underachieving at school

• Sexual acting out

You should consider finding a therapist to work with if most of the time you feel:

• Alone

• Depressed

• Numb

• Exhausted

• Isolated

• Hopeless

• Overwhelmed by your children

• Overwhelmed by your feelings

• You are sleeping too much or too little

• Worried

• Anxious

• Afraid

But in most marriages, this is not always the case.

One out of every two marriages in America is failing and will explode in divorce.

It takes two people to make a marriage succeed.

Marriages fail because of the differences in the two people involved, because of conflicts and various problems in life.

Here are some marital insights to help you to cope with a divorce announcement.

No one is perfect, and happiness in life is a matter of learning from our mistakes.

There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted upon a woman than the announcement by her husband that he wants a divorce.

Even if both parties have “seen it coming” for some time, and the announcement really comes as no big surprise, the actual announcement is quite similar to a bomb exploding in your face.

It can be difficult to finally admit that the person you held hands with so many years ago, and promised to love - honor - and obey - to be supportive of, to stand beside in good times and bad - through sickness and health - for richer or poorer -who no longer wants you or your love, has turned out not to be an angel as you originally thought and believed but a monster.

When you first hear the announcement for a divorce from your spouse, it may sound unreal, and difficult to believe.

You may be thrown into a cyclone of self-denial.

It may take time to sink in your head.

And when it finally sinks inside, you may be overcome with a feeling of betrayal, then guilt, then hot anger and finally perhaps rage.

You’ve to understand that these feelings are normal and don’t let them destroy the rest of your life.

It is of the utmost importance that when you face this kind of heart rendering situation that you find the courage to understand that you can recover -that you will recover.

It will be hard, but you must immediately and absolutely turn the page on that chapter of your life.

You must quickly and absolutely sever all ties with that person - the one that has inflicted this pain upon you.

Get them out of your house. Get rid of all things that remind you of them. Change your phone number.

If necessary, move into a new home or apartment.

Re-locate to another city.

You must put an immediate end to your marriage.

Once a man/woman has announced to you that he/she no longer wants you for a wife/husband, you have to start thinking about your own survival.

It’s going to be similar to losing a vital part of your body, but you must let go, and the sooner you do let go - completely end that chapter of your life - the sooner you’ll be able to set about rebuilding your life and ultimately finding the happiness you want.

Between the time that your husband announces the end of the marriage, and the time when you’ll find new happiness, you’re going to hurt like you’ve never dreamed possible.

You’re going to go through a number of mental and emotional phases - all of which are perfectly normal and necessary in order for you to “heal yourself” of this great hurt.

You’ll never be able to enjoy love or attain true happiness until you have discharged the past from your system and healed yourself.

Think of all you’re going through as a wound similar to a gash on your arm or leg.

It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to bleed, but with the proper care and time, you will recover.

You must understand that divorce is quite common - you’re not alone nor going through anything that a lot of other people haven’t experienced - and that in order to “get well,” you must understand the nature of the wound, what to do in order to heal it, and as much about the pre-requisites to total recovery as possible.

At first, you’ll probably deny that this is happening to you.

You may pretend that it’s just a bad dream or some sort of bad joke he’s pulling on you.

This type of thinking is normal, but it only prolongs the agony of your hurt.

You must face the reality of the situation - accept the fact that your marriage is over - and get on with the task of finding happiness for yourself, immediately.

You’ll probably lay awake in bed at night and review “every minute” of your marriage - thinking that in this or that circumstance, you could’ve been a better wife, and from there beg for another chance.

You’ll want to accept full responsibility - at least a big share of the guilt - for the problems that caused the break-up of your marriage.

These thoughts are only natural, but they cannot put your marriage back together, and any attempts to “try one more time,” at this stage will only cause you greater pain.

You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and busy your mind and yourself, with activities that don’t allow you time to “rehash” the events of the past. Don’t allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings.

Just because your marriage is over doesn’t mean that your life is over.

The earth is very big with billions of people and you must believe that there are many other human beings out there who will love to become your partner again.

Accept your own short-comings; vow that you will profit from what you’ve experienced; and then get on with your life.

You’ll never be comfortable with yourself, nor find real happiness so long as you’re dragging “guilt feelings” from your past around with you.

Somewhere along the way, you’ll become so angry with your ex-husband - the world - and even God, that you’ll be beyond yourself in your ability to express it all.

If you feel you need it, go for a therapy and counseling.

It will be necessary that you express this anger - to get it all out of your system -before you’ll be able to “feel good” around men again.

Anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own sense of hurt and frustration.

It’s such a volatile and all-consuming emotion that unless you give it an outlet, it will literally eat you alive.

Understand your anger, and manage it in a manner that will benefit you - in such a way that your expression of it is constructive to your regaining your emotional health.

A few things you might think about doing: write the complete story of your marriage for your kids,; how you met, your dreams and hopes, the good and the bad, the sacrifices each of you made, and how - beyond either of your capabilities to control - the marriage just came to an end… write in precise detail exactly what is making you angry, and why.

Put it in letter form to your ex-husband and really tell him everything that has been, and is bothering you.

Let him know that you are a person with wants and needs too.

Stand in front of a mirror and “rehearse” an angry confrontation with your ex-husband and/or anyone else involved.

Make an appointment with your priest or minister; or find a friend who’ll listen as you explain the frustration, hurt and futility you feel.

Regardless of how you do it, it is an absolute necessity that you let it all out. This anger and bitterness you feel is like a poison that you must cleanse from your soul.

The sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you’ll be able to get on with your life –re-gain your mental health and position yourself for happiness.

Finally, there’ll come a day when you’ll no longer be bothered by thoughts of your ex-husband.

It won’t even bother you when you see him with another woman, and that’ll be the day when you’ve finally accepted the fact that your marriage to him is over.

You will have truly let go of him, and will be ready for a new try at happiness.

Your progress from being rejected by your husband (or wife) to acceptance of the fact that you don’t want him (or here) if he/she doesn’t want you, and positioning you for a second chance, won’t come easily.

It may take you about two and a half to three years.

You must understand the damage you’ve sustained, the healing that’s required, and the time it’s going to take to get well.